It’s a strange, strange world we live in master Jack…

A balmy 25 degrees at 22:32pm according to the thermometer.  Lying in bed, unable to sleep, terribly aware of how I am becoming more and more restless over the past few days. 

The past two and a half weeks have been extremely tough on the spirit, as well as being quite isolated from the outside world.  Tomorrow another new hurdle will start as I begin the journey of healing properly after everything that’s happened.  Let alone the long road ahead of me that I can’t even begin to think of.
I have been very caught up in thoughts and fears, longing to be where I used to be before all the turmoil began.  My biggest hope is that I will recover.  It’s also very obvious who the supportive friends are (even some that I am only but
acquainted with) and who the fair weather friends are.
People are scarce when times are hard and it’s tough to learn that those you thought you could rely on were clearly not who you thought they were.

I am scared of what the future holds. I think that is normal to feel under circumstances as they stand.
Let’s hope and pray that this time around I will be able to stand up again from all of this.

Signing off for tonight..
The A.C.

Through the fire

A special friend posted a very interesting video on my facebook wall- which I watched almost instantly.  It was one of the more in-depth documentaries I have seen on Manic Depression (Bipolar) in a while.

I find it very hard to explain to people what exactly it’s like to live with this condition.  The fact that there is still such a biased community walking around in their wonderful state of ignorance is shocking, and they are sure as fire quick to make a remark on something they have no knowledge about.

I have spent most of my life caught up in a torrential storm of emotion.  I have always tried to understand how other people could be so flippant and shallow about everything.  I recall the remarks “oh, don’t be so serious!” and “you are way to emotional” very well.    I think my friends would probably say that I am quite melodramatic, intense.  Artistic, for a better word.  They would also say I think too much.  All of these statements are true.

What sometimes gets neglected, is the fact that I walk alone in these vicious throws of emotion.  I have to constantly be aware of my mood when I am in company.  By the end of an evening or encounter with people, I feel generally exhausted.  Drained to the core.  A lot of people also tend to judge every move you make, and nothing you do can be equated to your being – your personality.  You are either ‘manic’ or ‘depressed’.  If you smile and laugh – you are edging towards mania, if you don’t respond with joy, you are edging towards depression.

You don’t live your life normally without thinking about consequences most of the time. Unless you have Mania or Depression.  Being on either side of the scale lets you react in the most profound ways, that will either end viciously or in a calm and orderly fashion.  You will have the most incredible ideas, feel like you want and can do everything if you are manic.  If you are like me, you’ll start twenty paintings, start writing three songs, start writing poetry and books and then after a few days you crash, and left with half-finished work that you’ll probably never finish.  Unless you’re commissioned. Then it becomes a nightmare.  Especially when you end up in depression. Even breathing becomes an act of labour, just too much to bear.  Like most, one does toy with the idea of suicide and eventually try to escape the torment you have to endure.  Some of us are lucky enough to survive the attempts.  Others I know, have not.  Having to endure hospitalizations are also not a grand occasion, moving in and out of a clinic and waiting for a change to come.  Everything you do is a fight to survive, your boat is rocked to the core and you try to keep afloat in the ocean’s heavy waters

The different options of medications that I have been offered by various Psychiatrists have probably equated to a list longer than what a pharmacy can stock.  Sertraline, Sertzol, Aropax, Prozac, Topamax, Lithium, Diazepam, Lorazepam, Lamictal, Seroquel, Triptaline, Efexor, Epilim, Geodon, Rivotril, and Luvox are all on the list that I have had to experiment with to try to find some form of normality.  This has been over a period of 7 years and I STILL am to find my equilibrium.

I loathe this condition, it has ruined my ability to achieve what I want to achieve.  Why? You become your own worst enemy.  People will not understand how cumbersome it becomes to try to make it through every day when you do not have stability.  All I can do is thank my stars that I have a few amazing people in my life, a handful of understanding friends and my close family that support me as they do.

So, for now, we carry on with the hopes that every day will be a new day, and that somehow, your brain will start functioning normally again.  This is, after all, a condition of the brain, not a spiritual issue, or dramas that we make up for ourselves.  This is a chemical imbalance. Your brain not excreting enough at times of over excreting. Like your liver or pancreas that doesn’t work properly.

Signing off, with hopes that maybe it’ll get better

The AC.

The hole

That sinking feeling. Sitting in a hole, feeling the dirt underneath your fingers. The total darkness. There is nothing. Nothing around you to lift you out of the hole. There is only one way of moving around and that is by dragging your body across the floor.  Your very existence slung through the disgust of society.

The further I fall, the deeper the rabbit hole goes.  Climb out or hide forever. The ultimate question. Back here again. The wonderful seesaw called my life.  Feeling dead in the inside yet pushing through another day. There is no why anymore. There is no care. There is a flat plateau of nothingness, captured eloquently by the remote awareness of having to wake up every day.

Perhaps tomorrow I don’t have to wake up.

I will be missed for a moment,

and life will go on…..

It has to because I said so.

A single molecule, multiplied by infinity. See the massive trajectory of hope leaving my body… Reaching out for the inevitable.  I know it will happen. It just has to.  That sweet moment when it all comes together.  I am down to just one thing, I am starting to scare myself…. (sounds a bit NIN-ish,doesn’t it!?)

But it is true. I want something, and I will have it.  I will have it no matter what.  Come what may.  I have been fighting for years, actual years for this.  I am now reaching out with everything I have in me.  I will somehow succeed.  By myself. The way I always wanted it to be.  Having fought through serious hardships and challenges, it can only happen now.  It is written in the stars, it is in my spirit, in every breath I take.

You might wonder what I am referring to.  I won’t dispense this to you, but those who know me well enough know what I am talking about.  It is shining through this world of ugliness.  The beauty will return to this world of mine slowly but surely.  When it does, it will be the most incredible shift that has ever taken place.  The ultimate journey and destination forming the amalgamation to open a brand new level of experiences.

Enough abstruse commentary from the peanut gallery.

Wishing you all a wonderful eve

The AC…

And on it goes. The why’s and woes of Auntie Chay

Why on earth, do you wonder, would you want to read about another person’s in’s and out’s on the internet? Why did you specifically decide that you would take your mouse, hover over my link for a second, and navigate through to this page? I know why.  You’re curious.  Curious to know what is the information that will be exploited over the pages.  Each word, bleeding off the screen and smacking you in the face full of unnecessary details of another’s life.

Some blog because they find writing a release (I for one indulge in this practice). Others blog to inform of technology, life, economics etc…

Bring the attention back to me.  I am blogging today because it’s been a hard day.  R.E.M. had me in mind when they wrote that song.  Living my life has proven to be challenging as of late.  Highs proclaiming joys of success, conquering mountains of challenges and having hopes, and crushing lows that brings a giant to its knees.  I am what I am.  Nothing will change it.  Not your opinion of my writings, or Vladimir Putin’s opinion as a matter of fact.  I will be like this for the rest of my life.  A very sensitive, deep, complex, full of shit person with issues.  Just like you have issues.  I have vocalized it and expect people to gossip.  This is what will happen.  I am geared with a couple of fingers for that and a good raspberry for measure.

On with pressing matters.  I am seeing a doctor tomorrow.  I will be shoving a whole bunch of pills up his R1200-a-15min-session backside and asking for a very old, simple yet effective substitute for the R6000+ that I have wasted on medication over the past 3months. It’s a bleeding joke how I have to suffer financially and emotionally from being a human guinea pig.  Wish me luck in my endeavours tomorrow, I have one hour to not slap a learned man in the face and demand a refund.

Signing off with an I dont know what.

The AC.

 

Like this like that.

I miss moments like these, in the spur of the moment moments. Perhaps getting a glass of wine, sitting down and listening to my favourite genre – Jazz. Perhaps Esperanza Spalding’s Fall in or Esbjorn Svensson trio. Bill Evans or Stan Getz.

Decided to do some planning with regards to my house. It is Spring after all and I feel another change coming on.  Moving dining room and lounge areas around (don’t you just love open-plan!) and ordered myself a new couch, delivery on the 28th of September.

Creating space for the new and chucking out the old.  It’s a soft liberation in this rather cumbersome life of mine and perhaps the most superficial thing I can do to alleviate my heavy thoughts.  With all the past memories swimming oh so close to my conscious reality, I need to remember to breathe and take it slowly.

As much as I want to go to England this year, I can’t.  There are just too many problems I have to deal with and hopefully by next June/July, I can reckon in a proper Euro tour. Nothing like old culture to revive my spirit. Aren’t we just so tied to the past sometimes? No matter how hard we try to live in the now, the present that forever sucks out the energy out of us. But hey, energy creates energy.

I am not particularly inspired today to write, but had to put something down, so there it is, in black and white.

Wishing you folks a great evening.

The AC.

A fleshy thought

It’s somewhere between your sheets where you lose all your inhibitions. That inevitable recognition of self in an objective, alien point of view.  Floating to the top of the ceiling, observing each movement, each breath taken and yet experiencing it all in every sensory department.

You examine every past you have lived through, how easy every meeting was- the endlessness of the encounter, like a river flowing over stone. Fluid, urgent, gushing…

Somewhere between the embrace of skin and mouth, you pray to reach the threshold, the incredible pinnacle.  It’s what the French sing about in passion, the Italians pride themselves in.

A thought suddenly hits you and you get distracted. You lose the fervour, the passion.  The moment when someone took a part of your heart and you simply can’t let it go.  Blast the past!  That wretched memory of that damn confounded person you vowed to lock out of your life forever.  It suddenly eats away at your conscious like acid rain and purveys all your little tell-tale signs that makes him ask: “are you ok? Did I do something wrong? Did I satisfy you?”

So you turn around and hope to die. Tell the truth? Or tell a lie?

Signing of with food for thought…

The AC x

Once in a while

Just sometimes.

I will wander down that road just sometimes.  Once in a while I will wonder why I gave up some pursuits. Once in a while I will see good things pass me by.  Once in a while I will realise that there is no point in looking back at something that once was.

It comes and fades away beautifully with a reminiscent memory.

It’s smiling when your heart is breaking.  It is keeping faith in someone who proved your otherwise time and again.  It is that quinessential moment when you take that leap, just to come crashing down. Then you look up and see a small ray of sunlight breaking through the clouds.  The little sign saying that it is going to be ok.  Regardless of what is, or what was. No point in wondering about tomorrow.  It hasn’t come.

That is why I want to hold on dearly to the now and change all I can, grasp everything within my reach.  Keep on trying,  The proverbial “you can do it, don’t give up” speech.

Funny how we can make life so difficult for ourselves, searching for answers to questions we have asked over and over again. Only to find out we had the answers all along, struggling to find acceptance with the truth that stares us in the face.

Signing off..drifting away..

The AC

Appreciation

How to start?

Isn’t that always such a good question… where is your starting point? Halfway through? At the beginning, the beginning of the end?

After all that I have been through lately, something has changed, a multitude of things.  I myself as a person, as a whole.  It is the weirdest thing.  I wish

I could explain it to someone.

After two weeks of intense meditation, reflection, hard work on myself, medication, self realization and any other -ion you can think of, something has begun to turn.

The wheel of life I suppose.  I feel a sense of self.  I feel more empowered.  I feel that I am gaining my life back again.  Regardless of all the hardship and all the trials I had to face.

They did not make me. My reaction to the hardship also did not make me.

I decided to put the past where it belongs, and to realise that there is only now.  That I am the warrior in this life, and that with each trial I will indeed be blessed with a form of tribulation.  To finally realize what it is like to celebrate life and leverage off the pain and anguish that fed off my spirit.

I didn’t do all of this on my own.  There were the very few who religiously stood by my side. Kirsten and the gang- forever grateful. Simon, I have no words to convey my appreciation for your kindness, your perseverance and belief in me.  It is a rare thing to have someone bestow such love and adoration on you.  You are too good for me. Much love to you, I love you.

It is a wonderful experience, but it is hard work to try and keep it all in one basket.  Easy does it as they say.

Signing off this evening, with a very grateful heart

The AC…

spinspinspinspin

There is a battle that you fight at a stage in your life.

Some people will encounter it, otherwise might not.  It is thought to be the quintessential reason for your existence.

Who you are and who you will turn out to be.  How you will survive every challenge and if you can leverage off the failures that you face everyday.  I have somehow come to a point where I cannot stand back and watch myself swirl around in the cocktail glass of life.  I am fighting for a reason.  I need help yes, which currently I am getting through various forms.  It is however, a daily battle.  Asking myself, have you got it in you?

So easily do we preach to others words of motivation when we are going through the good times. The fair weather currents that we fly on.  Little do we understand the turmoils, the dark spiritual, mental battles fought by individuals – the last thing you want to hear is some quote by some dead guy.  Somehow a process of elimination would help, dealing with one thought at a time, conditioning yourself to stop thinking of ten million things and stop swinging back into the past with past regressions.

If there was a way to switch off the process of analysis and thought it would be a lot more helpful.  Perhaps harnessing the power to re-channel your thoughts into something useful to solve puzzles.  Then the question stands one whether you are busy avoiding the inner problems that you might or might not have.  Or perhaps it is true that your brain is causing the problem and that there is no other way to fix it except for medication.

I can only conclude today to try and think less for five minutes. Only I am driving myself insane here.

Signing off.

The AC

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